WYSIWYG
July 1, 2009 10:28 am
Ok, so that's a bit off. It is however true. With me, it's what you see, is what you get.
I never started out to be any more than what I am. Unfortunately, at this point in time, it comes with a dose of reality. I feel like I'm still only twenty-five. Sometimes that's how my mind works. Then I get the reality part that says, "Babe, you had 4 kids when you were twenty-five. You were dirt poor and living on state aid. You didn't have a driver's license, had given up your education and had a poor opinion of yourself. Why in the hell would you ever want to be twenty-five again?"
Good question, I don't. I think what I want is to have the time to do all the things I should have done at twenty-five. Here it comes, my coulda, woulda, shoulda blues.
Out there in the ether, I have been reading some pretty good posts. I am not the only one who has a great big dose of the F word. You know as in F-E-A-R. Seems like there sure is a lot of us.
I used to write a lot, for a while when I was purposely unemployed. I lived in a world with all my fictional characters. I learned a lot. About myself and others. I learned a lot about pain.
I don't want to be twenty-five again, or thirty. Any age but what I am. (Don't ask.) I wonder if it's all worth it, sometimes. Then my daughter comes home and hugs me. My husband threatens to kick what ever ass I currently need kicked. Or my youngest son, emails me from Japan, just to say he loves me. It IS worth it. All of it.
Today I am working on my websites. I am purposely hand coding most of them so I can see what things look like. This site was based on a Wordpress theme, Kubrick, that I modified a bit, just to see what it looks like. Another site of mine www.rowanmichaels.com is totally 100% hand coded, validated, and up. That one has been a bear, and it's still in progress. I am not sure if I'll use it when I start school or not. I have worked so hard on it, maybe not.
I have also started putting some of my fan fiction on my Rowan Michaels site. Just a few sort stories I posted on fan sites about ten years ago. During that purposely unemployed time.
The point is, I guess, if there is a point, That I have finally come to grips with my life. I am finally living the way I want to. Well sorta. We can be anything we want to, and sometimes we get so wrapped up in our living, we forget just to live.
This time is NOT purposely unemployed, it was forced unemployment. In the long run, I think it was for the best. I would have stayed with that "day job" everyone is always saying not to quit.
Well, honey, the day job quit me.
What does someone like me do? Well I have this note above my computer that says quote
"How many new thoughts and skills can you learn over a lifetime? What number would you give it?"
I'll give you a clue. The number is huge. Humungous. Out of this world. Any ideas?
Here's the answer. Think of the number 1, followed by zeros that would fill an 800 page book, both sides of the page and in standard font size 12. Then go off the last page for another 6.2 million MILES of zeros.
READ THAT AGAIN!!
Now you know what I am going to do. Learn! Everything I possibly can.